That Awkward Moment…

I’m swiftly approaching my 3-year anniversary in this shitty glamorous city and I’m quite proud of some of my accomplishments. The past 9 months of job hunting and interviewing have been absolute hell but thank God I’ve finally landed the ideal job.

I’m finally at a place in my life where I’m somewhat completely happy.  Now only if I can get a grip of this damn love life of mine!

The last real, long-term relationship I had was in 2008. I LOVED him. First things first, he was not a looker. From the side, he was giving me E.T. mixed with  Roach from The People Under The Stairs. But he used to put it down. Not that that was the reason why I craved him. But it was quite important.

He was so good to me.

There’s nothing more satisfying than having someone who absolutely adores you. He included me in his life and routines. He spoke hypothetically, and often, of our future and future plans. He went above and beyond when planning dates. He held me on a pedestal and had a deep appreciation for my hustle. He was attentive, he was loyal, he was nurturing, and uber supportive. He respected everything about me and made me feel like I was larger than life…on a daily basis. I took comfort in knowing that I didn’t have to utter a word but he knew what I was thinking or if something was troubling me. Whenever I’d start nagging or lecturing, he would yell at me Mrs. Smithhis last name. That made me melt.

I miss that kind of love.

He set a standard. He was so different from the basketball players/sneaker heads that I’d been notoriously known for dating. He tore down the racks of Bachrach and taught me how to tie a tie…for a man. Applebee’s was not an option when it came to dining out. He was, in my opinion, the cream of the crop and bare minimum of the kind of man I needed in my life.

I know you may be wondering, “What happened?”  Well, he had a child. Conceived before him and I started dating. She supposedly just happened and wasn’t sure if he was the father – typical bullshit. Well, a year later, the child surfaced and I just couldn’t shake it. I would cringe every time he would mention his son. And that was a MAJOR problem. I couldn’t have him to myself anymore and I was not a happy about that. Now don’t get me wrong, I love kids, but at the time I felt was young enough, and entitled, to date a man without kids.

We broke up a few months after the child surfaced. We tried to rekindle many months later but I just couldn’t get over his situation. That was 4 years ago and I still think of him to this very day.  I was Facebook browsing and decided to check on him (we’re not Facebook friends FYI). And there it was…a YouTube video of his wedding day.

I was crushed.

He was the “marrying” kind when I met him but for some odd reason I didn’t think he’d move on without me. He’s since gained some weight and his mother has a few more strands of grey hair.  His son was a cutie…unlike his dad. Everyone seemed so happy. Her ring was gorgeous but not quite the princess cut we had discussed years prior. I felt awkward and foolish. If only I had of stuck it out. I watched his video at least once a week for 6 months – torturing myself and chanting,

That could have been me.

That could have been me

That could have been me

That could have been me

I wonder what kind of life I would be living if I had of just settled. I’m not as obsessed but seeing him move on with life was such a rude awakening. Have you ever had any relationship regrets? Awkward moments? If you could go back and change the hands of time, what would you do differently in your past relationships?

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7 Replies to “That Awkward Moment…”

  1. I was NOT expecting that ending…..MARRIED??????! Just because he married another woman, it doesnt mean he doesnt think of you as well.

    Regrets. Would be with Calvin, a man I dated when I was 24 and he was 10 years my Senior. I would have forgiven him after he cheated on me and realized that everyone makes mistakes. Knowledge comes with age and experience and I know now that just because someone makes a mistake it doesnt mean that the love isnt there, it’s just that a mistake. Especially considering the fact that we still converse quite frequently and the chemistry we shared is still present. Just as much as I cant shake the “what if” with him he cant as well, despite him being married to another woman.

    1. *Cue* 50 Cent – Do You Think About Me?*

      I never thought about that. I wonder if he thinks about me. BTW, Calvin was the guy I caught you putting ketchup in a circular motion on his fries at your family’s BBQ, right? LOL I definitely believe that I’ve crossed his mind a few times but clearly his thoughts were just that…thoughts. I wanted to be pursued and stalked. We did try to rekindle our romance but it was not the same. I do not regret my decision on dating him w/kids. I just wish that life would have worked out in our favor.

      BTW, we share too many memories.

  2. First, its about time we get an update from you. Heck, I had to wait an entire year for another juicy post but it was well worth the wait! I don’t honestly regret any of my decisions because I’m a strong believer in what’s meant to be, will be. However, hmmmmm there was Seanne my handsome 6’3″ Jamaican man from Florida. Our Jamaican families were really close and I met him at a wedding. He adored me. He thought in a matter of words I was the “ish!” It was just too hard me living on the West Coast and him living in FLA. Also, he wasn’t the most expressive of guys and I need someone with a mouth piece. 3 months after we stopped talking, I was in Florida making a pitstop before meeting the girls in South Beach and that’s when he told me he just found out the girl he was “kickin-it” with was preggars. Fast forward, they are happily married, bought a house, and his daughter is gorgeous.
    The other guy we’ll call SR…..To my knowledge he’s unmarried, possibly still single, no kids, well educated, owns 10 properties between 3 cities, and word on the street was that he could put it down. (That was the uncomfortable part, who wants to walk in a room knowing 10 women in that room have been with your man-that’s a hard and large pill to swallow-no pun intended) This guy had me sprung very fast but wasn’t ready for a true commitment….so I ended it. After 6 years of the back and forth, playing games, not sure what he really wanted, I was done…for good. If I never cut him off back then…….I truly don’t know what would’ve happened, but I am glad I never gave him any because he’ll always wonder about more than 1 thing when he thinks of me! HA!

    1. I truly don’t know what would’ve happened, but I am glad I never gave him any because he’ll always wonder about more than 1 thing when he thinks of me

      Hilar!

      So happy to be back. I missed blogging and I’m sad that I truly didn’t have time to post. My life has been chaotic these past couple months. It’s a shame…but I’m back boo!

      Anyways, despite living in this HUGE city, I get incredibly lonely…even if I’m dating a selection of men. Life is fast and so are the men...and women. I long for stability in my love life and it is my ultimate goal to be mother AND a wife. I keep wondering “what if” and referencing him because he was the one guy that had his head on straight and felt that I was beyond capable of being his wife. In retrospect, he may have been spitting game…but I would have never known the difference. He loved me and he was not afraid to show. Perhaps, regret is too strong of a word. But it definitely sucks that I couldn’t overlook his situation.

  3. Great post and WOW I can only imagine how you felt. As for my love life I can’t say I have any regrets. There was this one guy I was engaged to and called the wedding off like 1 week before it was to happen, well actually I postponed it until he pissed me off THEN I cancelled it. Anyway, he is now married and has had two kids. I ran into him at the store because they don’t live too far away from me but I do wonder what would have happened if we would have stayed together. I get by because I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I see now I had a lot of growing to do. Now 2 marriages and divorces later I think I’ve got a good grasp on things so I’m waiting on my “til death do us part”. I plan to marry 1 last time and I’m being very particular about this one because I’ve made enough mistakes.

    1. Ok, where the hell do you live? From 45 to 25….no man is remotely interested in anything serious in NYC. I’ve kinda given up on being married…at least soon. lol

      I’m definitely a believer in everything happens for a reason as well. But I also believe that my timing (in terms of relationships and meeting people) is ALWAYS off. I love that you’re still optimistic about marriage and relationships….despite your “mistakes.” Is your ex-fiance bitter at all about you calling the wedding off? I’m sure he still wonders about the type of life he would have had with you as well.

      1. LOL!! I’m in KCMO. I don’t think he’s bitter about us splitting because after the split we ran into one another, actually lived up the street from one another, and we were pretty cool with each other. Then I ended up married to my 1st husband. When I saw him recently he was very pleasant and we talked but I think he accepts what happened between us and is now happy with his life so there are no hard feelings. From some of our conversation I do think he wonders a little.

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