The Competition: Cougars, Cougettes and Other Men

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She’s a better woman than me….

It sucks being a woman sometimes. Depending on your age, you’re either in competition with a cougar or a cougette.  With the recent news of Rick Welts and Don Lemon, I can’t help but to think that we’re in competition with other men too…

I’ve been an avid email reader of the blog, Single Black Male, for quite some time. A couple weeks back, the article, “Your Man is Gay, Now What?” certainly hit home. I took note of Dr. J’s underlying message and advice but I couldn’t help but to get emotional and upset – reminiscing on my own personal “coming out” experience.

He was possibly the worst type of man you’ll ever encounter and I wouldn’t wish him on my biggest enemy. He was liar, cheater, con artist, and on the down low. Initially our relationship was bliss but soon turned to hell after the random disappearing acts and harassing Facebook messages/phone calls from ex and current girlfriends. I’m not sure of the source, but I was once told that there are two people on the face of this Earth that has the capacity to bring you down: your mama and a man.

This man lied about everything. Claimed he was the Director of Finance but was really a Customer Service Representative. Supposedly had a bachelor’s degree but according to the school records – he never finished. Claimed to have taken up several different forms of extreme sports hobbies, but didn’t even have a membership to a gym. I must admit that he was incredibly handsome. He was a big-time smooth taker, nice chiseled body, charismatic, affectionate – desirable on every level. Early on in our relationship, he bombarded me with the most lavish and romantic love letters and emails. He never missed a beat when it came to fulfilling my immediate needs and always seemed to deliver wildly, imaginative promise – just enough to keep me satisfied. He clung to some of the most elite, young black professionals and had a history of dating beautiful, educated black women.

I fell hard and he definitely took advantage of my openness. In retrospect, I was fully aware of how foolish I was being. Quite frankly, I ignored several red flags because I was beyond sprung and optimistic about our potential future. With each heart-wrenching antic, I became more and more vulnerable. I’ve had my feelings hurt before, but my experience with him left me shattered beyond repair.

I knew something was up when he would cringe in the presence of gay people (men in particular). His voice would shake, his demeanor would change, and he would become frustrated talking about gay men. I wanted to believe that that he had some horrible childhood experience that he would later discuss with me.  Even during our intimate moments, he would snap if I even considered pinching, grabbing or rubbing his butt.


I’m not sure if you’ll ever encounter a woman that claims she has never snooped or went through a cellphone. Well, I’ll be the first to tell you that I kept myself well informed about him and his dealings by sporadically checking his voice mail. I’m sure that you might criticize me claiming that this was an extreme invasion of privacy. Well guess what? It was a lifesaver for me. I never came across anything too outlandish until a little over six months after our relationship died out. I discovered that he was sleeping with men he had met online – specifically Craigslist.

The first message I came across, I completely blew it off as the wrong caller. However each subsequent message (from the same callers) referenced conversations that he apparently carried on via email, text, and phone.  I was scared. I was angry. I regretted snooping researching. I was crushed. I didn’t know what to do and what to expect. I felt conquered. I felt stupid…because I kind of knew. Based on my knowledge of his background, if this man’s secret was revealed, it would not only destroy him, it would destroy his family. I didn’t want to be responsible for his downfall and more importantly, how would he retaliate against me?

A million thoughts were racing in my head the following day. I couldn’t help but to wonder if he had been creeping with men while dating me. There was something dirty sleazy about the idea of him meeting and fucking men off of Craigslist. I recalled all the freaky, sexual things we did as a couple, wondering if he had done the same things to them too. I cried for days, even though my relationship with him was beyond over, I was hurting.

I was now carrying his burden of living on the down low.

I called my doctor and requested an emergency appointment to get tested for EVERYTHING. I remember visiting 2 other clinics for 2nd and 3rd opinions. Luckily, I tested negative for every STD and disease imaginable, but what about the next chick that gets involved with him?

Would you confront your partner if you discovered that he/she was gay? What would you do if your partner told you that he/she was gay? This is a very sensitive subject, let’s discuss…


3 Replies to “The Competition: Cougars, Cougettes and Other Men”

  1. Oh my God! I wouldn’t even know what crazy shit I would do if that ever happened to me! I would be on the 5, 6, 9, & 10 o’clock news. Hell, maybe even in the breaking news report.

    If a guy told me that he was bisexual intially, I wouldn’t hold it against him but I doubt I would date him. We can be friends and he can help me decorate or put my outfits together so I can look FIERCE! LOL! But I can’t compete with a dude! At least I could try to compete with a chick. We’re working with the same thing, T&A and a va jay jay. Wow. I’m literally speechless.

  2. Yes this was a very touchy subject and A LOT of detail is missing because I’m still living in fear of knowing about this man’s alter ego. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do either and luckily I wasn’t in a relationship with him anymore. If a guy admits that he’s bisexuals, I would completely respect his preference and move on. But there’s something evil about dating a man who’s sleeping with other men. I have a few girlfriends with similar ‘DL’ tales, I’ve asked them to post about them in the future.

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