You’ve Been Marked Down.

Dating a Married Man: Who’s the Victim?

“The ultimate advantage is I don’t have to be married to him and deal with his shit. Yet I still reap alot of the benefits that the wife does.”

I decided to call Lynn, my 2nd mother, for some old school advice and reassurance on a dating issue that I was having. As usual, Lynn broke down life and the rules of the game but added that, “No matter what, some men will never stop cheating. Mine is 60 and he still has hoes.” Lynn and her husband have been married for at least 20 years. She went on to say, “It’s so easy for women to fall for a married man. What starts out as something innocent like dropping mail off or helping with grocery bags turns into a love affair.” I listened but I’m far from being married. It literally went in one ear and out the other.

The worst thing you could ever do to a woman, hell an entire family, is break up her marriage. I’ve witnessed first hand the ill side effects that an affair can have on the children, home and the wife.

Later that evening I was helping out with a community service project at a local soup kitchen. The director paired us up based on our experience. I was paired with Ant. He was fairly new to our organization and wanted to get a little more involved in the community. He mentioned that he reached a certain point in his life where he feels the need to do more and  wanted to network with like-minded individuals. Fair enough.  He mentioned that his wife has been active for a little over a year and he was fed up not being able to participate with her in service projects.

We worked the hell out of our designated station in the soup kitchen.  We laughed, talked, debated – you name it! I’ve never felt so connected to someone in such a short amount of time. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating – but we definitely bonded.  We shared a few jokes, discovered that we live the same neighborhood, and even exchanged relationship advice. Ant did not hide his love for his wife. He mentioned that they’d been married for a few years, unknowingly vented about how they needed a vacation to reconnect, and he also mentioned his desire to relocate his family from New York. He even asked my opinion about several southern cities that I’ve traveled to. He admired my lively personality, my ambition and even praised my life experience and accomplishments.

Before we knew it 3 hours had gone by. Our shift and our conversation was coming to an end. I told him that it was great meeting him and how I look forward to seeing him and his wife at future events.


No second thought or a blink of an eye, he asked if I’d like to join him to get something to eat to finish our talk and if I’d like a ride back home since I was on the way. The naive open-minded me wanted to believe that he had no ill intentions and that he genuinely wanted to further our good time. I was totally stunned. What was he thinking!? He didn’t come off as flirting. He didn’t make any advances or passes. Is this a set-up? I’m sure that if he wife was in attendance, he would not have even considered furthering anything with me.  He would not have dared to even look in my direction. His wife recognizes a single woman on the prowl a mile away. She would have shut a lot of shit down that was going on between us. I felt completely vulnerable. I met a great guy, had a great connection, but he’s happily married. Here I am…single as hell, weave down my back, equipped with dangerous curves, an inviting smile, and according to him, an infectious personality. We can not further anything beyond this soup kitchen Ant. Someone will end up being a victim.

I must admit that I couldn’t help but wonder, what if.

I politely declined the invitation and opted for the hour train ride from the Bronx. I made up an excuse about how I had plans but hope to see him at future events. I’d like to think that I’m a quality woman and I deserve to have a man of my own.  Have you ever been involved with a married man? Who do you think is to blame? Check out what the all-mighty Dr. Phil has to say:


7 Replies to “You’ve Been Marked Down.”

  1. best line i read all day: The worst thing you could ever do to a woman, hell an entire family, is break up her marriage

    i have been with a married man. his wife found out and it eventually broke up his marriage. now his child is a product of a broken home.. no thanks to me? us? our actions? perhaps the wife a little? i think yes all of the above.

    i feel horrible to this day and i still think about the situation that i took a great part in destroying. they say what comes around goes around… and i think im getting mine now.


    1. PanicMonster, thanks for your comment. My mother’s marriage ended because of another woman. Watching her suffer, emotionally, took years of joy away from my own childhood. She’s still somewhat upset about it to this day and it has been over 10 years. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I do not condone dating a married man but I empathize because I’m a woman. I’m well aware of the things we have to go through and the different types of relationships we get caught up in. I admire your honesty and the fact that you’re apologetic about it. You’ll be fine – just add this experience to the “lesson learned” list. Trust me, I’ve done a ton of things that has come back to haunt me…you’re not alone ; )

  2. I’ve been involved with married men knowingly (twice) and unknowingly (a handful of times). It’s not worth it. I haven’t broke any marriages but then again it wasn’t something that I wanted to pursue. It was mainly sexual. It usually ended when I found out about the spouse or when the fire fizzled out on the fling. Was it wrong? Hell yeah and I would never lower myself like that again. I never once could imagine how the wife may have felt if she knew. I was too busy trying to conceal my insecurites with sex.

  3. What a good post. Like your other commenters I too am involved with a married man. I do think about what will happen if his wife ever finds out. I’m struggling to decide if I’m really in love or just the ease of the relationship and the undying affection. Stay wise, stay away from the married men so you don’t have to find out yourself.

  4. As the others have stated I too have been involved with a married man and more than one. I was younger and each had it’s own set of circumstances but no matter what it was WRONG! I never destroyed any families but still I did feel bad about it especially after I was married and imagined if it happened to me.

    I think each person is wrong. I love the way you handled that situation because all-in-all we know what’s really going on but we usually convince ourselves it’s something else.

    1. Thank you. It’s just crazy how easy it is to get involved with a married man. What starts out as something pure, could lead into something terrible. I’m not too innocent when it comes to married men. I’ve been approached and accepted numbers on several occasions – just never followed through. I’ve been too concerned with bad karma. Now dating someone with a girlfriend….that’s a different story.

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