Lost My Hoe Tendencies

I think I forgot how to be a hoe…no seriously.

There was no other way to describe younger me. I was cold-blooded and demanded a great deal of shit. You want some pussy? I need my hair done, money, money, money, money, and more money for my kitty account.

As simple as that.

Marriage and commitment – any form of dating was the farthest thing from my mind. I didn’t want to meet your mother and I don’t want to meet your boy because I might bag him too. I may accept a date, but please, I beg you, hold the cuddling. I’m not sure if I was being rebellious because of a recent break-up or if it was my copper-colored hair and double tongue ring (don’t hate).

Fast forward 5+ years, I’m confused as hell. Should I make him my famous banana crème pie on my next visit? Should I pick up these shoes for him since they’re on sale at Macy’s? Oh that new movie is coming out Friday; maybe he’ll take me to see it since I’ve been dropping hints all week…right? It’s Valentine’s Day, last year, I got dinner and concert from a guy I was dating. I know he’s going to do something nice for me since we’re fucking. I mean, it’s only right.

I’ve grown so accustomed to being loved and loving that I’ve lost all my hoe tendencies. The young free-spirited girl has now grown into a marriage-obsessed, status-driven, hopeful hopeless woman. All my old skills and tact has been thrown out the window.

Every phonecall

Every text

Every email

comes fully equipped with a little prayer and high hopes that it isn’t being viewed as too soft or needy. I must recall every rule in the friend with benefits bible:

  • Thou shall not have any expectations or make any demands in a just fucking relationship situation.
  • Thou shall not get jealous, emotional,  or territorial.
  • Thou shall be discreet and understanding of the relationship situation.
  • Thou shall not get too comfortable.
  • And most importantly, thou shall remember that you are not the girlfriend. You are the (girl) friend…with benefits.  Sex doesn’t always equal a commitment.

After my last fiasco, I vowed that I’d never  put myself in a drama-filled relationship again. Moving to this city gave me a ton of things to focus on and a relationship, hell even a man, wasn’t one of them. I promised myself that my years of random rendezvous were over and the next guy who proved his commitment to me would get the pussy. Well after a year of celibacy no sex, I fell victim to the man with the slight bow in his leg and a nice budge in his jeans. The disappointing part about this ordeal, is that it was never really my intentions to have sex…so soon. I genuinely met him with the expectation of us getting to know each other either on a friendship or romantic level. I’ve blown any chances at anything romantic, and in order to redeem self-esteem myself, I must act like I’m ok with just fucking. Even better, I have been acting like I don’t care – when deep down inside

I’m frustrated

I’m afraid.

I’m void.

I pride myself on having a grip on my life goals but I can’t seem to get a grip on this six month relationship situation. Somewhere along the lines I went from being borderline OK with the situation to really caring and dependent on our companionship. There’s nothing worst than being just a friend… with benefits. I take that back, there’s nothing worst than losing good pipe. Something truly has to give.

Have you ever been in a friend with benefits situation? Can men and women really just have sex with no attachment? Have you ever wanted sex without the commitment? Who is better at being friends with benefits, men or women? Speak.


10 Replies to “Lost My Hoe Tendencies”

  1. Congrats on moving forward. Sometimes it’s hard to openly love other people without defense mechanisms moving in, but a “hoe” lifestyle is one that is coated in painful defense mechanisms. You’re better off now! 🙂

    1. Hold your applause. Let’s postpone the “moving forward” celebration.

      I do agree with you about defense mechanisms being the death of all women willing and wanting to love. But the bigger issue is taming or getting rid of those defense mechanisms.

  2. Been there done that! Violated every commandment of the friends w/benefits bible. It’s so hard because when we are ok w/ being the friend w/ benefits, we have “hoe tendencies (so they say)…but when we want more than that we’re too needy (so they say)…I say, let’s stop trying to figure out if we’re one or the other. Let’s just do what we want, feel how we wanna feel, act how we wanna act (hoe-like, needy, or BOTH), and enjoy life:-) At the end of the day we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

    1. “I say, let’s stop trying to figure out if we’re one or the other. Let’s just do what we want, feel how we wanna feel, act how we wanna act (hoe-like, needy, or BOTH), and enjoy life:-)”

      Ahh it sounds so easy but how often have you really been able to just enjoy life and do what you want in such a complicated arrangement?

  3. I know the fwb thang all so well. I had extreme hoe tendencies and decided to become celibate in 2009. And yes, you can get attached! I never thought it could happen to me until I fell in love. We messed around off and on for 3 years. I think men are better at the fwb situation. Women tend to get more attached.

    1. Paramourinwaiting, thank you for your comment girl! It’s so refreshing to know that I’m not alone in this situation. I’d like to believe that men are just as distraught and confused as women in the FWB arrangement. This is beyond frustrating…I thought it was supposed to be fun.

  4. OMG! Been there done that! I met my DOC and he is a great person and we had the most amazing times together and his sex is GREAT, GREAT, GREAT! I tried to keep it in perspective due to both our situations but unfortunately we can’t choose what our emotions decide. All we can do is react to them. Somewhere down the line I think I fell in love with the DOC but I had to keep it to myself.

    Off top i think women have a harder time remaining FWB but inside I think men have a problem with it too but they are just so use to exhibiting the hard exterior that they keep it under wraps better.

    1. *Sigh*

      It feels so good to know that I’m not alone in this! I think men, eventually, become just as emotional as women. Now let’s figure out how to redeem ourselves…

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